The Closet Facade

People see me throughout the day when I go to school. I'm pretty much everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It's funny because when people see me, I'm smiling like an pansy, asking people how their day is going, and telling people "I'm fine," or that "I'm doing well, thank you," or some other happy-go-lucky response that makes people think that I'm actually okay.

These people really know nothing.

When I'm home in the confines of my room, sometimes I just sit and stare. Sure, there's plenty of things I could be doing: I could be doing homework, which is definitely a priority because I'm in college, and that whole "My dog ate my homework" excuse isn't valid. I could be watching TV, even though majority of the shows that are on TV nowadays are complete and utter garbage. I could be working on music stuff, like songwriting, or covers that I do on occasion. But I don't do any of these things. I just stare into space, as if the walls in my room will eventually generate the motivation I need to get anything done.

That's not the case, is it? 

Nope.

It really sucks...I mean, I have so many things that I'm good at, and yet I sit and stare without the drive to do any of them. I wasn't always like this. In fact, I remember a time when I actually gave a damn about things...in elementary school, I did my homework on time, I played with my friends during recess. When I would go home, I would study and then play video games with my brother. I remember the general idea of contentment. 

And yet somehow, it has eluded me. Somewhere between my adolescent days and now, something happened, and something killed my ambition. And to this day, I can't figure out what it is. 

Because of this, I am a liar. I lie to everyone every single day of my life, coming in to school or work, smiling, making everyone think that everything is okay. 

I'm not okay.

I want people to know I'm not okay, but I don't know how to tell people, "Hey...I'm really not okay." "Everything is going wrong." "I'm not happy." "All I want to do is cry."

Easier said than done.

So, here I sit, at school, telling jokes and making people smile, when all I want is someone to do the same for me. 

Making my own happiness is a lot harder than it should be.

Pray for me.

-T